Sex can be a complex subject; it always has been. We “want it all” and these days we are told that we can “have it all” so what happens when we’re not getting it?
Individuals or couples who have problems with their sex and love life and are not “having it all” need to look at life, themselves and their partner choices in more depth. The fact is that our thoughts, beliefs, fears, emotions, patterns and concepts all play their part in shaping our sexual relationships as well as our behavior, preferences, and sexual/intimacy problems. Problems with love, sex and intimacy always have deeper meaning. To bring answers and positive change the first place to start is to ask yourself honestly “what is this problem really all about?” and then listen carefully to your own answers…
Lost and Burned
It’s easy to get lost and burned in the seeming maze of confusion within the fascinating subject of sex and love. It’s true that love and sex are at times used by all of us as weapons, to control and manipulate situations, ourselves, or others… A cruel reality in what sometimes seems a survivor’s world. But take heart and look again, because true love and great sex do exist and are indeed “as perennial as the grass”… They are a part of life to be enjoyed by one and all, without judgment.
As human beings, we each dream at some time ( some more often than others ), of love, passion, warmth, intimacy and lust. Romantisicm is still alive and well in the 21st century, we need only to make more time for it in our lives… It exists in the pages of books, in art, the movies, nature, in life and above all else, in the hearts and minds of us all… Passion is a part of each one of us: it is the free flow of life when we allow ourselves to be free and to flow! And this freedom is not simply about lifestyle and circumstances. a person can be behind bars and yet be free and passionate within them… It’s true that each one of us already “is love” and is “filled with passion” even if we have never felt connected with or experienced either.
Self Awareness and Self Love: The Key
These days, as we continue to evolve, open more doors and move forward, there appears to be a real need to go deeper within ourselves or to seek answers from others and have our questions answered. We are especially prompted to find answers when we realize that passion seems to be missing from both our relationships and our lives. Besides, we have been told we can “have it all” so “why is this not happening for us?”
Developing a growing awareness of our “self” is most important and a part of the process of “having it all”. As we find out, accept and understand more about ourselves, we will in turn understand, relate to and allow in others, all of that and more… Self love and knowing who we are beyond simply who we think we are are both invaluable tools on the path to fulfilling our sexual, emotional and indeed spiritual needs.
How many of us would describe ourselves as sexually and/or emotionally liberated? Just how much do we hold ourselves and others back because of our fears? Fears which express themselves in our need to control in one way or another? As we face our fears we face ourselves and face life and that is when we begin to live a truly passionate life… Beyond mere moments and dreams…
Our unanswered questions will continue to hold us back no matter how much we fill our lives with eating, drinking, shopping or any other escapist activity. Can we live in the moment and yet still dream and build dreams of tomorrow? Can we really “have it all”? The answer to both of those questions is “YES”! We can each have it all! It simply takes a little honesty, self love, self awareness and self realization.
Do “sex addicts” exist or do we just love to love?
Is “sexual addiction” a reality or is it just a current trend, something that is in vogue, a behavior that society is currently examining? Might “sex addiction” be a reaction to an unfulfilled need or a desire for escapism much in the same way that a person might excessively use alcohol, drugs, tobacco, gambling, comfort eating or any other number of common escapist behaviors? What is certain is that humans want and need to be recognized and valued, to touch and be touched, both physically and emotionally. Above all else, we want to connect. Getting lost in sex or being “addicted to sex” can be an escape from pain, loneliness and boredom. Sexual pleasures and “highs”, like all “highs”, “feel good”!
Is mankind then simply addicted to feeling good? Yet surely feeling good is a natural and desirable state of being?!
We may be classified as addicted to something which brings us to feel good in an area of our lives or ourselves when we do it to excess, shutting out and ignoring other parts of our lives. It is simply that we have not yet taken, or believe that we can take, the actions to change the parts of our lives that don’t yet feel good.
Self judgment or a different way of thinking
Instead of judging and policing ourselves, it might be helpful for a change to look at life and us in a different way. After all, there are countless perspectives to every problem, situation and argument, so let’s choose instead to realize that we do not make mistakes, that there are no mistakes and that in fact we do, on some level, know exactly what we are doing at any given time, even if we do not have the full awareness of this. We need to accept this even when our actions or the events taking place don’t feel or look good. As we look more closely at things and know that there are no mistakes we will start to see what all situations bring and a much bigger, more perfect picture of life, others and ourselves will be revealed. We will see then, that nothing is ever only as it seems…
A good example of this is… That there is actually no such thing as “procrastination”! You may keep beating yourself up for not doing something, but the truth is, it is not yet the right time to do it and there is a better time ahead! If you allow yourself to go with what you feel like doing, instead of what you “should” be doing, you will see that life starts to work and flow effortlessly and easily.
Isn’t it time to re-discover the beautiful, perfect beings that we truly are? Despite what we have previously been told or have believed about ourselves? Developing self awareness is the key. Self awareness is the tool that helps us to make the links and join the dots. It is the light that goes on in our mind so that we can start to see how life and how we, actually, really work…
Tuned in and turned on
Passion and being turned on is not only about sex, hanging from the chandeliers or climbing mount Everest. Being turned on is to be awake and alive. To feel and to be, with all of our being… So what gets in the way of us feeling and experiencing life passionately?
The answer is “so many things”! Sensory overload, poor health, rage, fear, what we eat, stress and all of what we call “everyday life”. Yet patterns and “everyday life” can also totally be experienced with passion, as there is something in everything… No matter how many times you think you have done or seen something there is always more to discover. Often, we just stop looking and mistakenly think that there is no magic or passion left. We are now at a time where being turned on and passionate feels like a treat rather than “the norm”… This is the case because although we may long for it, we don’t make time for it in our lives, time to even realize that it’s already ours!
The thing called love: Turned on, I am alive!
Erogenous zones are everywhere. They are just waiting to be found and explored… Besides the sexual genitalia, we get turned on by so many other things: a look, a smile, the cool wind, the color of a flower, the heat of the night… Ask any couple who are presently in love or anyone who is in love with life!
To be in love means to be open to and to be with another human being beyond what we normally allow. Falling out of love means erecting barriers and walls where there was once love and openness. We could be always in love and stay in love simply by using communication, willingness, honestly and a genuine desire from ourselves and others to remain so. Furthermore, we are capable of loving anyone, despite the fact that we believe we have preferences of who, how and when we love.
Permission and Passion
Sometimes when we awaken the passion within and connect to that in ourselves, we ask ourselves if it’s ok to feel “sooo” good! We ask ourselves that because we see others around us who are not in the place where we are right now. They are instead staying within lines and boundaries and accepting the suppression that we also once accepted. It’s not uncommon to wonder where our new found freedom will lead us: Can we handle it? Will it get us into trouble?
The truth is that we must go forward and find out. A life of love and passion, with all of it’s wonder, asks nothing less of us other than to let loose, explore and flow…
Top Tips to Awaken the Passion Within…
- Break patterns in both big and small ways. Consciously expect the unexpected everyday. Stop looking for love and let it find you.
- Get in touch with your body. Love, nurture and caress yourself whatever shape you are in. Remember, making love and great sex isn’t just for perfect bodies. You have the right for pleasure too.
- Get enough sleep, rest and relaxation. Eat well in moderation, exercise regularly. Listen to and fulfill your physical, emotional and mental needs.
- Take chances. Overcome fear. Think and feel deeply. Allow yourself to have strong opinions, update them regularly and be flexible and open to changing your mind at any time.
- Know that in life there are no mistakes and that you have not made any. Cry, clear and let go of pain. Forgive yourself first and others second. Let go of the past and all that you no longer need.
- Dream, imagine, feel, open up and express yourself: Be loud, be silent, be crazy, be cool and be the individual that you really are.
- Know that love has no boundaries and expects no response. Love is and you already are, love…
- Fill your life and surround yourself with beauty and color. Take time to enjoy sensual sensory experiences, experiment in a hundred different ways with each of your senses. Enjoy and allow beauty into your life: look for beauty in everything, it’s just there, waiting to be discovered…